#译者注：这是财富杂志针对墨西哥湾石油泄露事件所编写的“如果BP石油泄露发生在中国”的故事。2010年4月20日墨西哥湾的英国石油公司BP的钻井平台发生爆炸泄露事件以来，奥拔毛政府因为反应迟缓而备受指责。这里，专栏作家们设想如果此事件发生在中国，事件将会在十天内平息。
#update: 更新了图片……
#免责声明：此文反映了美国媒体眼中的中国，其中包含资本主义的腐朽思想和令人唾弃的价值观，请各位童鞋在观看时批判性接受。如有误译，纯属正常。
Would BP's CEO Have Been Executed In China?
http://www.forbes.com/2010/06/29/bp-china-hayward-satire-opinions-contributors-oil-spill_slide.html
BP的总裁在中国会被就地正法么？
Day One
What if...? An explosion ruptures a well that is run by BP and its Chinese partner CNOOC (the company that tried to buy Unocal five years ago, only to lose out to Chevron), letting loose a gusher of oil into the waters of Bohai Bay, less than 200 miles southeast of Beijing. CNOOC's offshore rig, the Harmonious Tranquility, sinks in the accident.
第一天
由英国石油公司（BP）和中国海洋石油总公司（CNOOC）共同运营的渤海湾某钻井平台上的油井发生爆炸，导致大量石油泄露。钻井平台“和谐静谧号” 沉没。
Day Two
What if...? No mention is made of the oil spill in state media. CCTV, the national TV giant--imagine a U.S. government-owned merger of the networks owned by Time Warner, CBS and General Electric, and you're a fraction of the way there--instead airs a short feature on "beautiful Bohai Bay." The piece extols China's commitment to preserving its natural wonders and notes cryptically, "China is still a developing country and is held to an unfair double standard, unlike Western countries that have been allowed to pollute wantonly first and then clean up their environment."
第二天
国内媒体没有对此事件进行任何报道。CC〇V播放了某段题名为“美丽的渤海湾”的nice boat视频。此视频高度赞扬了中国保护自然景观的坚定决心，并付神秘评论一则：“中国仍是发展中国家，但却面临着不公平的双重标准。与此相反，西方欧美发达国家则可以施行‘先污染后治理’的发展模式”.
Day Three
What if...? Rumors of a disastrous oil spill are all over the Web. Netizens post updated Google Earth satellite photos on Chinese portals Sina and Sohu only to see them removed immediately by censors. Chinese search engine Baidu directs queries for "Bohai Bay oil spill" to Web pages trumpeting China's pressing need for energy security. Aggressive Chinese media outlets, trying to circumvent strict instructions from propaganda officials, report obliquely that fishermen in Bohai Bay are complaining they cannot leave shore due to an "atypical ocean event"--a phrase that immediately becomes a trending topic on Chinese Twitter clones.
第三天
有关石油泄露的糟糕消息在网上疯传。网民们开始在X浪和搜X上贴google earth的最新卫星图片，但是被5毛党迅速删除。百度将“渤海湾石油泄露”的搜索指向“中国急需加强能源安全”的页面。一些激进的媒体企图绕过5毛党的围攻，委婉地报道说渤海湾的渔民们因为“非典型海洋事件”无法出海——而此短语迅速成为网络流行词汇并名列各种围脖排行榜前茅。
Day Four
What if...? The oil spill is now officially news. Premier Wen Jiabao, cutting short a trip to a Zambian copper mine, races to the disaster zone. Outfitted in fishing attire, Wen cleans the oil from a seabird and consoles Chinese fishermen. He promises the government will "resolutely" defend China's natural resources against the "atypical ocean event."
"I understand the pain that you are going through," Wen says, holding back tears. "We will unswervingly dedicate the Communist Party Central Committee to the goal of achieving an overall moderately prosperous society." Images of sympathetic "Grandpa Wen" blanket the state media.
第四天
石油泄露已正式成为新闻。影帝缩短了对赞比亚铜矿的访问迅速抵达事故发生区域。身着渔民装的影帝一边清理一只海鸟身上附着的石油，一边向渔民们表达深切的慰问。他保证政腐会坚定不移地保护中国的自然资源不受“非典型海洋事件”的破坏。
“我知道你们所受的苦，”影帝哽咽道，“裆中央将坚定不移地贯彻执行把中国建设成为中等发达国家的任务”。深具同情心的wen爷爷的照片被国内媒体争相转载。
Day Five
What if...? Images of Hayward smiling and enjoying a yacht race surface on the Chinese Internet with captions accusing him of flaunting his disrespect for China's natural beauty. Popular blogger Han Han, unable to believe Hayward would be that idiotic, argues the photos must have been doctored. Han Han says it is stupid anyway to attack BP when China has chosen to sell off its natural beauty to the highest bidder. Some people briefly agree with Han Han. Then more images surface of Hayward clubbing baby seals and, for good measure, setting them ablaze.
第五天
英国石油总裁海沃德微笑着享受帆船比赛的照片在大中华局域网出现，标题指责他对中国优美的自然景观的亵渎。韩寒不相信海沃德会如此纱布从而认为图片是PS的。韩寒说既然中国决定把自己的自然资源卖给竞标价最高的外国公司开发，事发再加以指责是很SB的。一些网民表示大体赞同。海沃德的棍打小海豹和放火烧尸的照片开始在网上出现。
Day Six
What if...? Chinese fury toward Britain is now at full tilt. Netizens launch a boycott of all British products, a movement hindered by the fact that most British products are now made in China. A translation error about "limeys" leads to a misunderstanding that the British desperately need limes, causing Chinese speculators to hoard the world's lime supplies. Lime futures soar dramatically, and Goldman Sachs, which planted the error online, profits handsomely on lime futures trading. Chinese consumers ultimately boycott the British supermarket chain Tesco, British Airways and the English national soccer team, which just can't get a break.
第六天
中国对英国的愤怒终于爆发。网民们开始抵制英货，但随即发现大部分英国产品是在中国制造的而搁浅。对limey（英国海军）的误译导致了英国急需柠檬（lime)的误解，中国商贩开始大量囤积柠檬储备。柠檬期货市场急剧上扬。故意误植此错误的高盛在其中猛捞一笔。中国消费者开始抵制英国超市连锁乐购，英国航空以及英国足球队。
Day Seven
What if...? Oil begins reaching the shores of Bohai Bay near the port city of Tianjin, and pictures of oil-drenched aquatic birds flood the Internet. BP "journalists," not to be outdone by China's state media, report on the economic benefits of the oil spill to the industrial region--"BP: Bringing oil to where it's needed most; cutting out the middleman." China's Xinhua news service accuses BP's journalists of acting as the puppets of Western governments.
第七天
石油开始蔓延到天津港附近，羽毛浸满石油的图片开始在网上泛滥。BP记者表示，此举把石油送到需要的地方并减少了中转成本。新华射强烈谴责BP妓者充当西方媒体傀儡的丑恶嘴脸。
Day Eight
What if...? Chinese bloggers foment a backlash against government ineptitude. Documents leak of edicts barring reporting on how Chinese regulators disregarded safety concerns on the Harmonious Tranquility oil rig. Young nationalists ask angrily why China is selling its natural resources to foreign companies. Internet portals quickly delete these posts. Sina's head editor Chen Tong says the "atypical ocean event" is giving him "a very big headache."
Meanwhile, a Chinese reverse-engineered "shanzhai" undersea robot sets out to cap the damaged well with an "oil hat" designed and funded by Hong Kong action star Jackie Chan.
第八天
中国博客作家们挑起了人们对无能的政府的谴责。禁止报道中国管理人员忽视“和谐静谧号”钻井平台安全隐患的官方文件遭泄露。愤青们开始指责中国为什么要向外国公司出售自然资源。门户网站迅速和谐掉了这些帖子。X浪首席编辑表示“非典型海洋事件”让他“鸭梨很大”。
与此同时，中国逆向工程的山寨海底机器人开始对井喷的缺口进行封堵作业。封堵工具由功夫巨星成龙设计并资助。
Day Nine
What if...? Beijing rallies with a massive response to the spill and to domestic critics. Xinhua reports elliptically that officials face charges for taking bribes from "a foreign oil company." People's Liberation Army soldiers mobilize with sandbags to prepare for the "flood of oil" and to "wipe clean China's seas and beaches."
Jackie Chan praises Beijing's response to the atypical ocean event. New York Times columnist Tom Friedman writes glowingly of China's "unique ability" to manage crises, declaring that "China is beating the U.S. at yet another thing" due to "the mastery of its benevolent authoritarian system."
第九天
首都各界人民群众联合抗议石油泄露和御用5毛党。新华射对某些官员曾经接受“某外国石油公司”贿赂的事件进行简要报道。共军开始调动大量沙袋誓与“石油洪灾”决一死战，“消灭中国海洋和沙滩的每一滴油污”。
成龙对此举大为赞扬，扭腰时报专栏作家Tom Friedman也对中国的应对危机的能力大加称赞，认为中国又在一新的方面超过了米帝，并将其归因于完美和善的砖权体系。
Day 10
What if...? Xinhua reports without detail that "two top officials" have been executed for the atypical ocean event. Tony Hayward is sentenced to death in absentia; informed aboard a yacht in the Mediterranean, Hayward says, "That saddens me deeply because I was looking forward to attending the Shanghai Expo. I feel unlucky, and frankly, I'd like my life back."
Jackie Chan's robot successfully caps the oil well, to the cheers of millions. President Hu Jintao declares victory in "The War to Protect Chinese Natural Resources From Foreign Aggressors and Build a Harmonious Society."
第十天
新华射简要报导道，两名对非典型海洋事件负责的“顶级官员”已经被枪决。没有出席审判的BP总裁海沃德被判处死刑。在地中海游艇上得知消息的他表示很震精很伤心，并表达了去上海sb会走一走看一看的遗愿。他觉得自己点儿很背，并且希望有重新做人的机会。
成龙的机器人不孚众望，成功地对缺口进行了堵塞。胡core表示中国人民在“保护中国自然资源不受外国侵略和构建和谐社会的战役”中取得了胜利。
